Jokes and and humor

humor must be part of our daily lives, you exercise more muscles when you smile than we you frown. Remember a smile a day keeps the doctor away…LoL…


two marines

Two Marines were sitting around talking one day. The first Marine asked the second Marine, “If they were to drop a bomb right now, what would be the first thing you would do?”

The second Marine said, “I would screw the first thing that moved. What would you do?”
The first Marine replied, “I would stand very still”

Silent fart

An old couple is sitting in church one morning, listening to a sermon. The wife giggles for a short while and then whispers to the husband, “I just let out a silent fart. What should I do?”

Her husband whispers back, “Well, for starters, you can put a new battery in your hearing aid.”

Little Johnny again

Teacher: “If I gave you three rabbits today and five rabbits tomorrow, how many rabbits would you have?”

Little Johnny: “Nine.”

Teacher: “That’s not right, you’d have eight.”

Little Johnny: “No, Teacher, I’d have nine. I already have one rabbit at home!”

Little Dirty Secret

A man was dying with his wife by his bedside.
He said in a tired voice, “There’s something i must confess.”
“Shhh” the wife said, “there’s nothing to confess. Everything’s alright.”
“No i must die in peace. I cheated on you with your sister, your best friend and her sister!”
“I know,” she whispered “That’s why i poisoned you, now close your eyes!!”

Clever gynecologist

A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a local gynecologist. The doctor took one look at her and all his professionalism went out the window. He immediately asked her to undress, afterwhich the doctor began to stroke her thigh.

Doing so, he asked her, “Do you know what I’m doing?” “Yes,” she replied, “you’re checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities.” “That is right,” said the doctor.

He then began to fondle her breasts. “Do you know what I’m doing now?” he asked. “Yes,” the woman said, “you’re checking for any lumps or breast cancer.” “Correct,” replied the shady doctor.

Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked, “Do you know what I’m doing now?” “Yes,” she said. “You’re getting herpes; which is why I came here in the first place

Little Johnny prays

Little Johnny’s family is sitting at the dinner table.

Father: “Can you please pray for dinner!”

Little Johnny: “Dear God. Please, please send clothes for all those poor ladies in Dad’s computer. Amen!”

Blowjob Before Classes

A Certain University female student attended her anatomy classes after a session with her partner. The lecturer said that they would be learning about cells that morning specifically those found in the mouth. He proceeded to draw a diagram of a cheek cell and labelled it.

He then took a spatula and scrapped some tissue from his mouth and placed it under a microscope for the students to see. They all took turns and certified that indeed it was similar to what he had drawn. So they were all told to go back to their tables and do the same.

One student after the other scrapped a piece of their cheek and sonn each exclaimed that they had a replica of what was on the board but the female student looked utterly perplexed. After a while, she called the lecturer.

“Sir, the cell am seeing is very different from what you have drawn,” said the girl.

The lecturer edged closer and took a look at the microscope.
“Mmmh!” He exclaimed.

“Is it a different type of a cheek cell?” asked the girl.

“Nope,” said the lecturer.”That my dear, is a sperm cell!”

Johny and the math teacher

One day little Johnny was sitting in math class and his teacher was asking the class word problems when she got to Little Johnny and said “If there are three birds sitting on a power line and you grab your shot gun and shoot two of them, how many are left?”

“None” Johnny replied.

The teacher said “Actually, one would be left, 3 – 2 = 1″

Little Johnny said “No, if your using a shot gun to shoot at birds then the other one is going to fly off from the sound”

The teacher says “well no the answer is still one, but I like the way you think”

Johnny starts to think to him self “Hmmm you like the way I think huh” and he says to the teacher “Three women are sitting on a park bench and they all have lolly pops. One of them is sucking on it, one is licking it, and the other is biting it. Which one is married?”

The teacher says “The one sucking it of course”

And Johnny replies “No, the one wearing the wedding ring… but I like the way you think”

Johnny and little April

Little April was not the best student in Sunday school and usually slept through the class.

One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, “Tell me, April, who created the universe?”

When April didn’t stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. “GOD ALMIGHTY!” shouted April and the teacher said, “Very good” and April fell back asleep.

A while later the teacher asked April, “Who is our Lord and Saviour,” But, April didn’t even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ‘JESUS CHRIST!” shouted April and the teacher said, “very good,” and April fell back to sleep.

Then the teacher asked April a third question. “What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?” And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, “IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I’LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!”

The teacher fainted

Mommy’s Black Sponge

dirty joke

Little Johnny sees his mother walk out of the shower and sees her vagina.

He asks her what it is and she embarassed replies, “Oh, that’s mommy’s black sponge.”

A few days later, Johnny spills a glass of milk on the floor and says, “Mommy, I need your black sponge to mop up the milk!”

She replies, “I lost it, honey.”

A couple of days later, he comes running up to her and says, “Mommy, I found your black sponge!” Mystified, she says, “Where, honey?”

Little Johnny says, “It’s over at Mrs. Johnson’s house, and Daddy’s washing his face in it!”

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